Funny Status Lines

I never argue, I just explain why I’m right.

I am not lazy and I was just saving my energy.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in his car.

Oh! I Am Sorry, I Forgot, I Only Exist When You Need Something.

Maybe Funny WhatsApp Status can destroy someone’s love feelings!

I see that you’re online.  I am online too.  Wanna, like, chat?

I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Girl, you’re like a car accident, cause I just can’t look away.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I work out every day I do 1 sit-up every morning when I wake up.

Walking my dog, we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

It’s a new millennium, where’s the “Fold” button on my dryer?

I love my six packs so much; I protect it with a layer of fat.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Facebook is the only place where you can talk to the wall.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Never laugh at your partner’s choices… You’re one of them.

Sarcasm: a way to insult idiots without them realizing it.

I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.

Oh, I’m sorry, was my sass too much for you?

My teacher today gave a 45-minute speech about not wasting time.

I think Uruguay’s Luis Suarez is the man to bit the Apple’s logo.

Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

One Line Funny Status

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

I was going to take over the world this morning, but I overslept.

If I’m already in my sweatpants, I’m not leaving the house again.

Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.

Remember If We Get Caught, You Are Deaf And I Don’t Speak English.

How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.

You’re so lucky that I’m terrified of prison.

I am not perfect, but I am a limited edition.

I salute all my haters with my middle finger.

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

I will marry the girl, who looks pretty in her Adhaar card.

Of course I talk to myself! Sometimes I need expert advice.

Not all men are fools; some stay single.

I will go into survival mode if tickled.

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “Breathe, man! Breathe!”

Dear math, I’m tired finding your “X” DUDE she is gone, Please Move on Bro.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

If everyone on Earth joined hands around the Equator, many of them would drown.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Make your weird light shine bright, so the other weirdos know where to find you.

It’s not that I don’t want to go to work.  I’m just allergic to crushing defeat.

Today I have the motivation of a potato.  Don’t hold your breath for a response.

I’m not avoiding work. I’m just on battery saver mode.

Not all men are fools. There are still some bachelors.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

Funny Status

My last words will be “I left a million dollars under the…”

I haven’t failed, my success is just postponed until later.

I have three kids and no money. Why I can’t I have no kids and three money?

Sometimes I think to write LOL at the end of every answer in exams.

I don’t know why I keep a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags.

People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

Hey, I’ll be back in five minutes. If I’m not, just read this message again.

I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.

Welcome to WhatsApp.  Our specials tonight are grouper and chicken ala king.

Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones.

In high school attending favorite subjects, lunch, and recess.

There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

I’M Going To Stand Outside. So If Anyone Asks, I Am Outstanding.

I’m reading a book on the history of glue – I can’t put it down.

The best way to lie is, to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

All My Life I Thought Air Was Free. Until I Bought A Bag Of Chips.

Did you hear that joke that doesn’t offend anyone?  Neither did I.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. And, You also tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!

My son asked me what it’s like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Wants to know how the hell I can remember words to songs from years ago but can’t remember what I went into the next room for!!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

If people are talking behind your back,  that’s a good time to fart.

Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I sure do.

I put my heart n soul into my work and lost my brain in the process.

Always remember that stupidity is not a crime….so you are free to go.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Knock knock!  Who’s there?  Obviously not me.  Get over it.

The new way of forgetting your past is deleting your chats.

You’re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

Hilarious Status English

Q Quite Man Is A Thinking Man. A Quite Woman Is Usually Mad.

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

Good Samaritan, washed-up athlete, especially gifted napper.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

I Love My Six Pack So Much. I Protect It With A Layer Of Fat.

I have a bad habit of reading a text and forgetting to reply.

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

I deserve a medal every day I don’t stab someone with a fork.

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

3 horrible things in life: 1) Slow Internet. 2) Slow Internet. 3) Slow Internet.

Taking your ex back is like going to the junkyard and buying back your own crap.

I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

You seem to be on your own path. Unfortunately, there’s a “socio” in front of it.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.

Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me I will laugh at you.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes!

I like dating older people because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me.

I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock.

My life makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.

What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”

Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Short Status To Make One Laugh

I’m the result of a natural 20.

What would the honey badger do?

I’m so tired, my tired is tired.

Be smarter than your smartphone.

Hey there! WhatsApp is using me.

Hey there, I’m using my parents.

Putting the “hot” in “psychotic.”

The bags under my eyes are Gucci.

Hey there! You are using WhatsApp.

I’m in shape. “Potato” is a shape.

One person’s LOL is another’s WTF.

Living vicariously through myself.

Not always available, try your luck.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

I’m not short, I’m a people McNugget.

I’m already ready for tomorrow’s nap.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I’M Great In Bed. I Can Sleep For Days

You can do anything but not everything.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Single Line Funny Status

Life is beautiful. from Friday to Monday.

They say I’m tightly wound, but I’m a frayed knot.

Don’t use the bathroom in your dream, It’s a setup.

My Boss Told Me To Have A Good Day….So I Went Home.

I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.